let the sun shine in ♥

it's time to move on

2007-08-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

switching over blogs...you can now visit me at:
http://trinayeo.blogspot.com

tengo hambre! soy cansado! amo mi vida!

2007-08-06T03:48:00.001-07:00

One thing I love about my job is shifts with Judith, oh, and Yola; preferably night shifts. We've learned to nonverbally communicate, or at least not in real language, where i've learned from her animation and dynamism to grunt and laugh and swing your arms, and stare blankly when you don't understand. She does things like grab you by the neck with a smile as big as a jack-o-latern, after rude customers make unreasonable demands, she laughs uncontrollably and almost violently. Tonight, she came over by the sink, as I washed dish after dish, filling up rack after rack, saying in my horrible spanish: "Necesito limpiar y limpiar para mucho tiempo! Quiero parar! Soy cansado!" She grabbed her calves and stuck out her lips, grunting about her sore legs, she then pulled up the pant legs to her black slacks to reveal beautiful purple bruises on her shins. "caí un tazón grande en mi pierna - i, uh.... dropped a bowl on my leg," she laughs as she points over to the stack of porcelain bowls over by the grill.

Kristen told me when I first started working there, that Judith just recently started working here because Alberto gave her a job after her husband kicked her out of the house. I like that our relationship is simple and surface and happy....sometimes. But some days I want to tell her, in my worst accent, "Judith, pienso que eres muy bonita y divertido y simpatico y compasivo y maravilloso! no se porque tu esposo te dejaría! Pienso que el esta loco!"

Kristin left Jack Johnson in the cd player, and I like when Margie plays Fleetwood Mac, so I tried to put those on when we were closing (which I left at 10:45pm, and her and Yola were still there, and I have to open in the morning) but I accidently put on the cd before which was Mariachi, and the second it turned on, Judith did a little bull fighting chant of "aahh eeh eeeaaahh! arrrrrriba!" -- "te gusta el musica? ---- really?" her face lit up once again and I left it. She makes me happy, because the joy she inhabits, which surfaces from the littest of things, seeps out of her, and she shares just enough of it with me.

lost in translation

2007-07-27T22:21:00.000-07:00

I've found it's a dizzy, enchanting, delightful feeling: being lost in translation. Already falling over backwards, tripping, spitting, sputtering clumsy words onto the greasy kitchen grill at work with my miniscule linguistics en español, it's like a blur of spinning lights, a ferris wheel ride that keeps spinning in circles and I don't dare let go of the railing, or step off the ride. (it does have its perks though, like my daily consumption of fish tacos, homemade walnut ice cream, orchata, sangria, tortas, salchica, and i like my enchiladas with chicken and colorado sauce). Needless to say, last week, at the apple store, I purchased Instant Immersion, 102 language learning - and I haven't even put the disk in attemps to learn Khmer. It's going to start all over in less than a month.

I watched Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations" on the travel channel, and realized on paper, he seems a lot more vulgar and serious. On screen he appeared much more buoyant, positive, and in good spirits. But it's rather doubtful that the food network would allow you to be so unconstructively critical of what you ate in almost every country (even if it is technically your job to play the pretentious snob). Anyways, I purchased a copy of "A Cook's Tour" mostly for its chapter on Cambodia. Yet was disheartened to find the first sentence of the chapter to be: I was going to the worst place on earth. Cambodia does not hold the most cheery of reputations, as mass genocide underneath the khmer regime took place only in the last 30 years, and after watching skull upon skull piled upon each other in memorials in the travel DVD gramps taped for me, I realized that maybe this year might just change me more than I would think or could ever imagine.

Life happens so fast, although you most often hear its too short, and others claim its the longest thing we'll ever do. It's hitting me slowly - the weight of my decisions. Please keep me in your prayers. I have no strength on my own. But I am excited for life and all that it could and may hold.

short recap on my life if you don't know me:
currently: a gringa (not a guera, but just a non-speaker of español, who found she is definitely far from fluent from her two years of high school spanish) who is employed at a mexican restaurant, who knows it inappropriate to expect any latino/a to order from an ignorant all american- hablo ingles solamente....?
close future: southeast asia travels, and not only travels, transferred residence. I am going to live in pnom penh for the next 10 months! (yes, capital of cambodia, in a sketchy country with a crazy history, mostly khmer or buddhist, and there is probably a reason why they're is just about 0% tourism) but I am going to live at an adventist school and teach english with my friend liz, and we're going to live in an apartment in the steeple of the church, and i am nervous and excited and scared out of my mind and ecstatic. i leave august 22.

rain of secrets

2007-07-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

I was bored today at work, reading the SLO County New Times, and there was a section called the fiction 55, the basic premise to write a short story in 55 words, a tribute to Kurt Vonnegut. I liked one called:

Rain of Secrets
Star and Moon quarelled, each wanting to acquire the other's secret.
"Tell me how to shine like you," said Moon.
"Tell me how to dream like you," Star replied.
Their voices fell as rain on the planet below.
A woman who had lost her umbrella stood in the street,
hair and skin soaking with secrets.

Currently, my life consists of restaurant work - I'm employed as a waitress, cashier, and the ocasional dishwasher and busboy. I work at a mexican restaurant called Tio Alberto's, and so far it's been my favorite job in food service yet, and those jobs haven't been few. My spanish is just enough to scrape by, and a lot of times, it's worse than that, confined to small phrases, unconjugated verbs, incorrect grammar, and single vocab words: tengo hambre, quiero un pescado fajeta taco, por favor. para aqui? o, llevar, senor? And my comprehension of the language is horribly slow, i am retarded, quite literally, when it comes to understanding espanol. cook: "deseas la cebolla en tu burrito?" me: "eh....uh....cebolla? oh! si!"

update

2007-06-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

Currently, i'm in newport beach with my family and grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousins. We've rented a beach house on W Balboa, and my mom and I biked to 32nd street and got italian frozen yogurt at fiore's this morning - blackberry pomegranite with raspberries and kiwi. I used the word "ornate" today in boggle, lost terribly in dutch blitz, and bought a black dress, gelato, and a book about "the heart of a volunteer" in Laguna Beach, while perusing the many art galleries around Laguna Niguel. I must admit to liking the galleries in San Francisco (a week earlier) much better. Wyland really isn't my style. I also beat all 40 levels of roadblock. And I also just got off the phone with good friends. They mean a lot. They make life a lot easier and much more fun.

My passport also finally arrived, and just found out from Cambodia, that it only takes 3 weeks to recieve my visa from ministry of foreign affairs. Other than having horrible nightmares last, waking up in a sweat and racked with guilt from events that never even took place anywhere other than my one night of twisted psyche. Life is pretty okay. We're going to Catalina Island tomorrow morning, we take the boat at 8am.

I swam in the ocean at sunset, and as I came out, a hispanic hobo collecting cans told me I was beautiful, and my grandpa got worried and made me come back inside.

on the drive home

2007-06-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

♥

arts & crafts study breaks

2007-06-03T17:02:00.001-07:00

just a little something i do to keep me sane in the midst of finals
oh! it's so fun to make useless junk! ♥
but the loves of my life: are books and shoes

moleskin journal
mixed media- spray paint and images

cheap white shopko flats
stripes hand-drawn with permanent marker

the end of life in the double walla

2007-05-21T10:11:00.001-07:00

here we are, phil and i, studying hard, yes i can study with my eyes closed, i'm that good

Lance and I. Have you ever seen 2 people so good looking? it's hard to believe. i know. whoa.

The end of the school year is rapidly approaching, and I'm left with a feeling of restlessness (a constant un-motivation to do school work and a deep deep laziness when it comes to just about all things), but also thriving in terms of social enjoyment, not ready to leave behind relationships that have meant the world to me for the past 3 years, 10 months, 6 weeks, or 3 days. In other words, it'll be incredibly hard to be in a new environment with a language barrier and not a whole slew of interesting peers who think and act and dress and speak like me. But alas, new adventures are always exciting, interesting, and necessary for growth. I'm sure this experience will be life-changing, and definitely worth putting relationships aside for a year. Cambodia! I am coming.

This last Sunday, Phil and I studied at Whitman library. And to say that we "studied" would be a fallacy, because my day consisted of sitting on the couch and watching people and squirrels pass by on the lawn. Conversation with Phil is never dull either. It was graduation day at Whitman, which meant good catering, and I did my best with my mooching skills, as we faked guests of graduates, and piled up our plates with fresh fruit, chips and salsa, and wraps. As a poor college student, scrounging for food and change, this event was surely blog-worthy! At my nearly 5 hours at Whitman, I accomplished about 15 minutes of studying. The library closed at 5, I went back to school, ate dinner with Jessica, went to Spring Jam from 6-9pm, went to coffee with Brian, Eddie, Serena, and Jess from 9-10pm, talked to Aletha, Abby, and Tiffany about their trip to Portland and Ben Gibbard's acoustic show, timed how long we could hold ourselves above the ground between the two walls with Jessica, and finally started my studies at midnight, and stayed up til' 2:30am studying for a test I had at 9am the next morning.

I just finished it. I think it went okay.

angels in your angles

2007-05-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

A year or so ago (because I’ll remember random and useless phrases you might tell me for years), Karlan told me he liked to eat food so spicy that it made his ears burn. A year or so later, and the day prior, I experienced this burning of the ears (and mouth) with a lot of jalapenos and hot sauce. I just have to say, the feeling of enjoyment is not mutual.

It’s nice to travel alone at times, when there is more motivation to find your own entertainment and acquaint yourself with interesting strangers. From Pasco to Salt Lake City I sat by a Polish scientist named Uric, who was traveling to Frankfurt, Germany on business. He laughed at my gift box wrapped in a world map, and ran his fingers along the map I covered with clear packaging tape and we reminisced on past travel. He was a seasoned traveler, and when I mentioned time spent in Southeast Asia, he spoke fondly of his business stays in Hong Kong, taking the ferry to Macau, and hoping to finish his project in time to present it in Singapore next month. And we both had an hour and a half layover, where we got coffee at the Crown Room with his membership. I am on my way to Southern University to see my brother, and am excited because I finished my 10-page research paper strangely fast. And I can't wait to see my bro and the fam and other cool people.

I finally narrowed down my student missionary opportunities, and we decided to apply at a school in Ponm Penh, Cambodia. It was sort of a stressful afternoon, because it’s rare to find two people co-existing with the exact same preferences and agendas in everything, and while my friend Liz and I promised to make decisions together, it did not mean that compromise would not be in order. We had a 1pm meeting to discuss our call, and we were at limbo. I preferred teaching in Cambodia, and she was favoring the idea of teaching in the island of Kosrae in Micronesia, and both were unsure of who should give up their own preference. We planned on getting together later than night to get a cup of coffee and talk about what was really on our hearts, but when I called to plan a meeting time, she said she had come upon a conclusion. I felt nervous that her convictions might differ from my own, and she is outspoken and stubborn and would not be afraid to fight for what she wanted. But to my surprise, she said she felt she was pushing too hard for Micronesia, and some factors, like time and money were just not working out, which she believed were a result of God's will becomming clear, and a process of God communicating His plans for our lives. Phil and Emily said I should count it a blessing and a gift of clarity from a force bigger than ourselves. It is true, everything just sort of fell into place. Praise God.

ethnocentrism: survival and preference

2007-04-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

I often get asked the question of my nationality, if I ask the person to guess, I mostly get Hawaiin or some type of Pacific Islander, but once in awhile someone will think I am Hispanic or Portuguese or Korean. When I was in Indonesia two summers prior, a local who took me parasailing said he would guess Indonesian from my dark skin, and in the cafeteria just the other day, after being asked this by an exchange student from Brazil, he took his fingertips to his eyes and pulled the sides to slants, noting he recognized the oriental descent. I am, 1/2 chinese (from the daddy-o) and 1/2 filipino (mom's side). My parents were born in America, and I was born in America, so first and foremost, I am an American. I grew up with the culture, the government, the schools. Yet culture is passed on from generation to generation, it runs in my blood, and it defines my familiarites and my preferences. A huge part of me stems off my asian descent, and I am proud of it.

I learned in Sociology class, that the main objective and purpose of culture is survival. And in Anthropology class, we watched a video stating different views and definitions of certain general topics. One topic was art. And this made my heart dance. It said, in American or European culture, art is viewed as some painting or sculpture made by someone long ago in history, now hanging cold in a museum or gallery. In contrast, in asian cultures, like Indonesia, art is a means of everyday life. As the narrator said this, a man carved a mask, put it on, and then proceeded to dance a cultural dance to gongs and drums. From visiting the Philippines or Singapore, I realized so much more about myself and why the way I am. In the same video, it said, that on average, an oriental person will laugh in an uncomfortable or embarassing situation, as a European person will act mad or annoyed. Also, when I was in the Philippines, I noticed that filipino's sing at the top of their lungs just walking down the street. While these are minor details, I do happen to do all of these things, preferring art as a daily outlet of expression, laughing at everything, both joy and discomfort, and singing at high volumes no matter the location. I understand now, the psychological theory of the strength of genetics. We have the power to create our own environment, and our genetics shape our preferences. This shapes our culture. I love who I am and where I came from.

everyone wants to be found

2007-04-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

There's a line in the film Lost in Translation that I carry around with me wherever I go, or when I'm indecisive, or discontent, or staring up at the ceiling from a hotel bed, or staring at the stars. "Does it get any easier?" "No. Yes. The more you know what you want, the less you let things upset you."

I was thinking of ways I could feel less disappointed at the status quo, of societies standards and sterotypes that are increasingly disatisfying. Like when a certain person seemed to imply that people don't make a real effort to spend time with someone of the opposite gender simply just for platonic friendship (really lame), and seeing soon after, that our friendship is almost entirely obsolete once he found a mutual romantic interest. While not long before, he initiated the facade himself, of wanting to get to know me, if only for (how i interpreted it) "friendship", that in itself surely would have sufficed, but now is meaningless. And also the fact that I am addicted to watching an empty-headed tv show, that seems to show its profundity of love, by saying, literally, "true-love" is finding someone who can make your palms sweat.

Feist has a song called "Family" -- and the chorus repeats over and over It's cool to love your family, it's cool to love your family, I know because I love them more and more. The verses are rather despondent, talking mostly of loss, but they seem to elevate a deep respect, and a deep love, one that took choice and commitment, promise, and responsibility. The kind I choose and would be honored to engage in.

ready, set.....wait

2007-04-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

InTransit: What do you do with your wait? Relevant Magazine had an ad with this idea attached, being content with the timing of God's plans. I would further explain my situation, but I'd feel too ridiculous and pathetic to even start. Modest Mouse has a song, titled: "Heart Cooks Brain", and I'm just realizing how much truth it holds, and how, in my case, and with my personality, it hurts a tremendous amount. I woke up this morning, audibly repeating God's promises to me, trying desperately to convince my cynical heart to trust Him, to let complete service to my maker become my living, breathing reality. Patience is a virtue. So is contentment, and self-control.

I remember a certain discussion with a friend. He said, even being single, he was surprised how much he expends himself emotionally to anyone who evokes that sort of attraction and vulnerability in him. Aaron Weiss explains why he chooses never to marry, honoring the teachings of Paul (some say these passages of scripture are often misunderstood, i still think his thoughts are beautiful though): I see it as a sort of a concession I'll have to make if I don't have the faith to find contentment in my God alone. That I may need such a compromise seems likely, as I've always had a passion for that sort of union, and I get lonely. I don't so much mean sexually, but mostly I long for companionship and a deep friendship. If God is willing though, maybe I could find that in the Holy Ghost.

no canto más que el viento

2007-03-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I hiked around Palouse Falls with Karlan, Reuben, Jess P, and Lacey. There is something gratifying about the aches and pains of nature, work, and exploration: sharp rocks piercing your feet, the soreness of overworked muscles, thorny branches scratching your bare legs and arms, your dry throat thirsty for cool water, the wind on your hot skin, blowing through your hair. Something about seeing a barely worn trail right in front of you, only the next step forward on your mind, it's in these moments: I feel infinite.

hi. i'm trina. i'm sort of a weirdo.

2007-03-29T00:16:00.000-07:00

aswwc didn't know what they were getting themselves into. i got over using victorian backgrounds (like my last), and returned to my love and fascination with the sea. my artwork is really bizarre. i just realized that today. i could never do advertising. here's why. which one do you like better? ha ha ha. no. i'm not even joking. really. which one?

she sits and waits, seething, blooming

2007-03-27T00:30:00.000-07:00

Last night I prayed, with my eyes shut tight.
"Lord," I said. "I know You know just who I am, come define me."
What should I value? I asked myself this.
I listened to my own desires, impulses, plans.
To the voices of disdain, selfishness, gluttony, contempt.
These voices yell and shout, they live and rule me. They are me.
And then I wept.

running, returning, on and on it goes

2007-03-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

It’s a lonely day in the airport. I’m in Portland, and I’ve seen the view, rising above the clouds from the tiny airplane window so many times before. It has lost its charm. I’m sitting here, surprised at how fast spring break came and went. We left the house for the airport at 6:30am.

This last Saturday was fantastic. Alane and Mia drove up from LA and Leo down from Oakhurst, and we spent the day lazy in the Yeo house, like many memorable Sabbaths before. When the night approached, we played board games all night. Balderdash is my favorite, although I always lose. I think it’d be better if I played with people who didn’t know me so well. The game required we make a movie synopsis for the title “Expresso Bongo” (not like the coffee. But most of us used it anyways) – and everyone neglected to vote for my answer as of: a group of beatniks travel from coffee shop to coffee shop, bringing their love for literature, poetry, and jazz to the streets. Leo, Alane, and my mom said they knew who it was (me!) from the minute they heard the word: beatnik, soo they knew it couldn’t be the real, right answer. Well ppsssshhh. And Mia said, “I’ve seen a bunch of indie movies about the same thing, and they’ve all been horrible.” Thanks. And apparently my acronym for CROC as Caution! Rabid Octopi Crossing! is illegitimate, simply because, Octopi can’t get rabies, and where would their mouths foam – under the water? I ended up somewhere in the middle of the losers and winners (which I prefer to dominate, but this is the comfortable usual). Jeanne swept clean of the win, after getting 6 votes for ZUM in weird words, defining it as a flute-like instrument originating from Ghana that you play by blowing into it with your nostrils. No one voted for the actual correct answer, which was a crossbreed between a cow and a yak. I laughed so much playing this game with these people. Laughter really can be painful at times. There were several times I found myself unable to breathe, aches erupting from my sides, and while this is a downfall to laughter, I can’t seem to feel bitter about it. These people make life so wonderful!

Alane and I went to Blackbird Studios to get art supplies. She likes it when I read her Dave Eggers, and so I did, aloud, on the drive. I read her the short story: “Climbing to the Window, Pretending to Dance” from How We Are Hungry, his stories have no real resolution, they're sort of anti-climactic. I like that about them. They are realistic and sincere. She likes how he is expressive, and quixotic, even in daily life, his little details, about driving alone down the I-5. He likes to see the faces of people driving the opposite way, imagining their lives, wishing them well or ill. I’m not the only dreamer in this world. This gives me reassurance and a simple comfort.

the day and things

2007-03-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

photos from today's activities. minus the bro staring out at the ocean, photo from another day in san diego, but added merely in wishful thinking. different spring break times are stupid :(
hold these hearts courageously / as we walk into this dark place / stand steadfast beside me and see that love is the province of the brave [tv on the radio]

the earth laughs in flowers

2007-03-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

i like going on afternoon walks with my mom (pictured below. jumping)

oh how i've missed home!
♥ the yeo house and everything in it
♥ shelby dog at my feet on the breakfast bar
♥ the walls painted red in my room
♥ chinese paper lanterns hanging from the ceiling
♥ the beach only 1 mile away, that I rode to on my bike this afternoon
♥ the surf shops, beach bums, hippie kids, familiar fog in the morning
♥ God's blessings = my family. the laughter and joy my own home creates
I miss you friends. Carley Brown your blog post made my day!

óreiða, ruglingur, fát, uppnám

2007-03-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

Listening to Gustavo Santaolalla, and it gives me humiliating epiphanies. I am always unhappy when my eyes are on myself. I'm sorry that I am broken and selfish, I'm sorry I am sick and dissembling. I would wish back for seconds and moments, and have my regrets, but instead I can only change the future.

Aaron Grable told me tonight that Josue Galan is going to ask me to join the Mask Staff. This made my night! I would love it! Those guys are so talented, they blow my mind! Sometimes I have no idea what my dreams are. I won't be here. I'll be in India. And I've changed my major. And part of me wants to change my mind. A part of me feels like I'm turning my back on important opportunities, ones God might even have in His plan for me to embrace. Living and breathing, I am always the shining epitome of confusion.

btw. Reuben and Charlie and Thomas and Zach. Thank you for a fun night - even with such a "man" movie. I do think I handled it well. Yes, I did like 300 better than I expected. Thanks for the invite and ticket buy that helped make it happen (to Reub).

the last restful sabbath before finals

2007-03-11T03:07:00.000-07:00

a couple of things first:

and the end of my final design project: click here (and please don't try it unless you have a mac. the layers load all wrong on I.E.)

(today I - which now is technically yesterday)

♥ woke up fairly early and had devotionals, Anil wrote me a 5 step plan to seeking and finding God's will, all from his memory while he was driving in his car, number 1 being that we need to completely swallow our own desires with that of God's (john7:17 - anyone who wants to do the will of God will know whether my teaching is from God or merely my own), seeking that and that alone, I also read a refreshing insight by Oswald Chambers: the gist of it being our need to get into the habit of steadily referring everything back to Him; instead of this we make our common sense decisions and after just ask God to bless them

♥ went to village church to do my deviant behavior project for Psych, and then went to see my friend Serena preach at Mission SDA Church near Pendleton, she spoke on the different ways that God expresses His love to us, and these people there were so sweet and appreciative and hospitable! I was so blessed!

♥ befriended two little boys at lion's park today, Kalum and Austin, and there are few things more gratifying than recieving the genuine love of a child, we played catch, and soccer, and they just had that raw energy that children have, that simplicity, that heart; they were rough around the edges but so sweet; Kalum climbed up the jungle gym: "my brother is a demon!" - "hey, don't say such things" i reprimanded. "no, but really, he is! he hit me in the head with a baseball bat and split my head open" Austin just laughed as Kalum pushed his hair out of his forehead to show me his scar. "because some girls dared him to, and he wanted to impress them!" "hey now, girls aren't worth that" "how would you know?!", kalum screamed. "Oh wait, you are one!" They then asked me to help them join the group of college kids playing soccer, and I know from their faces that it made their day to be able to play. A fellow student asked if they had come with or belonged to me (and not the "belonging" that i birthed them, but more the familiarity, which was so heartwarming!). I can't wait to have children of my own (and yet I am in NO rush for that to happen), I know from my genetics that there is no way they won't be absolutely crazy.

♥ we walked several blocks and back to Lion's park and while we usually drive, we declined several ride offers because it was just so beautiful and warm out, J Pohle, Serena, and I, these girls are so special to me!

♥ studied with Phil and Alban (for shorter than we hoped) at Whitman Library, they're such quality guys, and my buddies

♥ watched dodgeball tournaments for a little while here and there

♥ realized i'm more relaxed and at ease with finals this quarter, and my quarter is harder than the last, this means my grades might be the show if it. yikes!

my song is love, love to the loveless, shown

2007-03-06T10:29:00.000-08:00

I know I often have pointless updates, but once in awhile, beauty and joy will break through the thick exterior of apathy. I saw a middle-aged woman, walking on her lonesome, break into hysterical laughter at her own thoughts. I saw two young boys running after one another, dancing, skipping, and jumping down the street, sweat on their brow, sheer joy and love on their faces, thus reminding me what truly lies inside of our souls (and not that I believe we're 'good' on our own, because we're sinful and the Bible says on our best as of filthy rags, but I believe that God dwells within our souls, and the Holy Spirit is always with us, and we often don't realize it, and more than that, we were made in His image, made to mirror and reflect what He is, and He is love, He made it, He is it) , and while our cynicism decieves us into thinking this love rarely surfaces, it's surprising and refreshing and delightful to see how much and often it really does. Life is beautiful. God blesses.

an inconvenient truth

2007-03-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

you thought i was going to talk about global warming. but instead i'm moping about at the elementary name-calling of Logan Saterdal, who apparently had a couple of accusations to point in my direction today in the WWC library. "Dirty Hippie" and "Whale Humper" were only 2 in the lengthy list of insults, just because I care about the future of our planet, and the state of our environment (and am contemplating if I believe the truths to his statements are inconvenient or if their is any truth at all to any of them, thinking abour renaming this post, because there certainly isn't any to the act of me humping a whale, and an allusion to al gore sort of doesn't work). But really, I think his plans of evil are working, because it's tempting me from my usual peaceful temperament, closer to the combative, because whoever disses on the whales is most definitely going down!

btw. Ryan - you're blog still isn't updated! Music swaps make me happy (thanks Alban), right now I'm listening to Kings of Convenience (makes me miss you Nikki, even more). I also really love these girls (and that penguin. his real name is Wedsworth, but I call him Winston).

5 is a good number

2007-03-04T02:32:00.000-08:00

treena's humble opinions on popular culture:

5 bands you should listen to (or download off hype machine. right now):
1. Beirut
Zach Condon has the magical ability to make you feel like you've just stepped into a bright red and yellow striped tent at a circus, moved to Italy, or are in the midst of a Balkan gypsy orchestra. either or anyway, it's a wonderful, beautiful, hypnotic adventure
2. Mewithoutyou
People ask me why I love this band so much, because Aaron Weiss does not sing, but rather grunts and screams and bellows (which is not standard treena style). Yet the man is so anti-establishment, yet so raw, and so sincere. He eats out of trashcans and rejects hygienic standards, and he makes my heart tingle, he writes quality lyrics for sure, one-liners like: "put music to our troubles and we'll dance them away" and has some great guitar riffs. listen to: "tie me up! untie me!"
3. Broken Social Scene
great canadian band. buoyant. chill. enjoyable.
4. Sigur Rós
just mesmerizing and so epic. the sound is huge. fills my imagination and day-dreams with silly adventure
5. Sufjan Stevens
nuff' said. i'm listening to his christmas albums as we speak.

5 books you should read:
1. Dave Eggars - Heart Breaking Work of Staggering Genius
He has a writing workshop at the back of a pirate retail store in San Francisco. I just wish Might Magazine was still around to read
2. E.E. Cummings - 95 Poems
the goal of living is to grow. the aim of waking is to dream. in time of all sweet things beyond, whatever mind may comprehend, remember seek (forgetting find)
2. David Sedaris - Me Talk Pretty One Day
you can't deny his talent and gift to pull humor out of the sad and the mundane. it's amazing
3. Stephen Schbosky - Perks of Being A Wallflower
And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.
4. Pablo Neruda - Extravagaria
I once stole a textbook out of the storage closet of my mom's school just to find a poem written by him. Extravagario, is nonsensical or, rather, supersensical, being a mixture of the Spanish words extravagante, extravagar, vagar, extraviar, and variar
5. Jack Kerouac - On The Road
oh, the only people for me are the mad ones! the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved! I remember reading this book simultaneously with a biography of C.S. Lewis (not written by C.S. Lewis), but just comparing the roughness and cynicism that it inhabited, rather than the free buoyant spirit of Kerouac, one who "never yawns or says a commonplace thing, but burns, burns, burns like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars" this is how i choose to live, with this sort of energy, even if not with the same values

5 movies you should watch:
1. eternal sunshine of a spotless mind
thought-provoking and imaginative. nice work kaufman. nice work gondry. you guys maintain my favorite.
2. thank you for smoking
oh. the lobbyist. just so hilarious and intelligent and witty. the art and power of argument.
3. lost in translation
a unique and introspective look into very cool relationship, full of meaningful moments, even if argued anti-climactic. i thought it was wonderful.
4. the science of sleep
so neat and imaginative, distinguishing dreams and reality, just aesthetically so stimulating
5. love me if you dare: are you game?
i just love the witty, random dialogue of the french. top-notch foreign film. recommended to fans of amelie.

5 stores you should pay a visit:
1. ameoba records
i think they have 2, one in hollywood, the other san francisco - it'd be rad if their was one in seattle. it's just the most massive used record store, just wildly eclectic, massive selection, they have absolutely everything for super cheap
2. whole foods market
frickin' good (oh man. i used an euphemism). no, but really
3. therapy
wonderful and quirky, my favorite botique. you know in SLO they have a picture of a banana peel in a plastic ziploc bag signed by Karen O from yeah yeah yeahs up on wall. suh-sweet. so hip.
4. buffalo exchange
the best thrift store ever. really.
5. barnes and nobles
a slave to the books. i could just go there and chill every single day of my life

5 restaurants you should eat at:
1. Shin's Sushi Bar
I like philly and eel roll. yum.
2. Taj Palace
oh. monday night is buffet night. give us a couple extra baskets of naan.
3. Thai Kitchen
those hole in the wall thai places where you literally feel like you're sitting in some thai families' kitchen. it's de-licious!
4. Jaffa's Cafe
top-notch Greek food, a family favorite for sure
5. Oasis
mediterannean food, has the best lemon chicken and lamb, and vegetable cous cous, also cool ambiance, sometimes with belly dancers, my brother hates that

sometimes....

2007-02-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

+ I wish I could drop out of college and move to the city, and just make art in a dark grungy studio all hours of the night
+ I want to move to SE Asia with my family over there, and live the simple life in my cousin's bamboo house in Guimaras (farm and eat mangoes all day. suh-weet. but satisfying...?)
+ I feel confined, defined, restricted, and bound in a box of stereotypes and mediocrity - she a designer, she's ENFP, she's asian, too small, too young, she always has her head in the clouds...
+ I wish I was 6 years old, and often times, I act like it
+ I live solely to benefit myself (so selfish, i know) and let my feelings and emotions rule over reason and sometimes even principle
+ I let people walk all over me
+ I feel strong and beautiful and funny and of worth
+ I don't want anyone to look at me
+ I put on my headphones and feel like I'm in a whole 'nother world
+ I am mean and hurtful to people who care about me
+ I dance down the street when people are looking
+ I make up silly songs on my guitar and sing them for my best friends
+ I'm overwhelmed with the love from my family and friends
+ I cry (I can't say I don't cry, but inbetween I laugh)
+ I break, but my maker sustains me, and restores and justifies me because He loves me
+ I dance to my own drum, waltz to my own tune, and am content in doing so...

all the trees of the field will clap their hands

2007-02-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

As I write, I'm in the maclab, and my advisor and past professor Linda Nelson just walked up behind me with the guest speaker David Klein for today's class in the CTC ampitheater, titled : "Design in the Real World" -- the classroom was cluttered with all design majors: industrial designers, new media imaging, graphic design, and a decent amount of engineers (whatever kind jason and richman are). He spoke of product design, mostly industrial - but Linda later (now) was giving him a tour of the maclab upstairs, and she passed by my computer, and I took off my headphones, that filled the silence with Joanna Newsom, just as she looked me in the eye. She introduced me to David:

"Now this here is Trina Yeo, she was thinking about being a design major, but wait, tell him what you are again?"
.......
"Oh. okay. pre-occupational therapy"
......
"Well the thing is, she's very talented, very bright, very driven. But I guess she can do whatever she wants with her life. She's capable of anything, really, but she really has the eye for design, so it's a shame and a waste really."
.....uh....?
"I'm just still trying to twist her arm."

Sometimes things like that make you smile, that somebody believes in your talent, and singles out your potential. Esp. someone legitimate. This isn't the first time she's approached me or said such things. Most of the time its mildly manipulative -- like the time she pulled me into her office and lined up all the class projects and critiqued them right in front of me -- not only the students artwork, but their own abilities, noting some as inferior (which I thought was a little rude and unprofessional. but whatev, especially because art is so subjective). But this only adds to the whirlwind of indecision. But I consider myself only mediocre at art in just about every medium (which is merely only a hobby to dabble in), but none of my friends (grew up in a small town and small school) shared the same interest, so it sort of set me apart, made me unique, but did not prove that I was extraordinarily gifted. It was an unnerving fear that if I were to try and make something real of it, like attend art school, that I would only have people laugh me in the face : what are you doing here? So that is why it's incredibly nice to have someone legitimate seemingly be so supportive of your work, even more so than your fellow students. Even if that is a little insecure and very selfish.

I was watching an interview of Bono though -- and they asked him what was more gratifying, winning an award for his outreach programs for aids in Africa, or winning a grammy for his music. He answered: music will always be my first love.

I used to feel aggravated and confined that everyone would assume that design is my only dream, and I'm somehow giving up my passions to study other subjects. I have other passions - do they not matter? Dreams can change, as well.... I used to want to be an olympic gymnast, or an investigative journalist. Dreams can always change, and a lot of times they do. People are always growing, always searching. But then there are those underlying desires, those things that you unconsciously love and fulfill by being who you are. Then it hit me, when Bono said that: design in my first love.

Does everyone realize that but me? And is that why they won't shut up?

btw leo (aka skeemer), i completely changed the content of this blog since after you commented (everything except the graphic). thank you for that though. i miss you. you're in my prayers ♥

I am searching for truth and freedom

2007-02-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." [john8:32]
so truth and freedom come hand-in-hand.
But they were descendants of Abraham, they said, "We have never been slaves to anyone. What do you mean, 'You will be set free?'
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. A slave is a not a permanent member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever. So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.

and how do we obtain truth, how do we gain this knowledge and understanding?
The Benefits of Wisdom [from proverbs2:4-10]
cry out for insight, and ask for understanding.
search for them as you would for silver, seek them like hidden treasures.
then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God.
from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to Him.
Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair
and you will find the right way to go.

but. TRUST in the LORD.[proverbs3:5-7]
with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding, seek His will in all you do, and he will show you the path to take. Do not be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for you body and strength for you bones.

so...i went to seattle this weekend. it was fun! a story or two might come later. but for now, i'm lazy, so here are some pictures i took instead. enjoy.

the motive for our adventure

and there they are. glorious!

abby and i feeling a little sleepy on the bus

wonderful, beautiful, meaningful street art. rad, huh?

downtown at pike place market. lots of fruit and smelly fish.

put music to our troubles and we'll dance them away

2007-02-15T01:22:00.000-08:00

The 14th of February has now come and gone, 1 hour and 22 minutes passed the mark of Valentine's day. Even with lackage of a significant other (societies definition of being loved), I do feel and know my life inhabited with much love - be it storge or phileo, from friends and family, agape from my maker, I'm lucky and honored to have much love, enough and more to pay it forward! Amen. He blesses.

Tonight I went to Electric Love Fest, a small show at a coffee shop called The Verve, followed by a Zoolander-esque Walk-Off and other silly fun (pictures and video down below). Two bands played, both students of WWC, the first band was called The Hereticals. They did a Beck cover from Midnite Vultures ("sexx laws" - such a fun, energetic album!) and even though the sound wasn't top notch (lots of feedback), it was fun to hear (I mean, beck hansen, c'mon!). And the second was some synth-rock, electronica band, fully equipped with pre-programmed beats, keyboard riffs, and quirky lyrics with their own sort of charm. A little goofy, but towards the end of their set, they sort of reminded me of a mellow-er TV on the Radio (err. maybe not). God bless Tunde Adebimpe, his wild voice, and his awesome fro! So the singer of this band wasn't the same. More nasally. Still enjoyed it though. Long live the indie rock persuasion! Even if it did ruin my hearing at a young age.

video features the smooth moves of cody lonning and charlie graves.
you know you wanna press play

ps. bias of the day = everything just looks and feels better on a mac, i use both everyday

my favorite time of day

2007-02-13T02:45:00.000-08:00

awake at 2:45 am - listening to this: friendswithmicrophones.com.

aleigh is watching SNL and every now and then bursts into loud fits of laughter. and according to my wellness for living class, i'm soon going to feel depressed from my abnormal circadium rhythm. maybe i should get a light box. damn the fact that i don't have class til' 10am, and i'm probably going to be asleep until 15 minutes before then, and Pedrito is leaving for Jamaica in the morning - and I asked him today if he'd fill out a recommendation for me to be a student missionary next year, which revealed that I'm not going to be able to work for him next year - he frowned and said he'd fill one out, but he'd give me a lousy one, so i'd have to stay at wwc, but I told him I'd miss him, and that I loved him and he grabbed me and hugged me, and it was my favorite part of the day - because Ellie and Emily laughed so loud, kept whacking the graying in his beard, saying they've never seen him have such a serious face. He calls me his daughter and every now and then, says some cheesy comment like: he can't start his day without my smile. Sometimes work can just be another thing on the long list of obligations. Some days...I love my job, the things that i do, and the people that work alongside me, + the person I do it all for. He says i'm going to come back from Africa and become a minister. I just want to work with the children, and make a few real connections. I'm a behind the scenes kind of girl. But I think that it carries just as much weight. we've all been given gifts, that are real and different and useful in their own way.

life just means so much! thank you jacob, for texting me this message this weekend. and thank you, for local organizations, like lifewater, one truth - who help me realize that life is so much bigger than myself - and that who knows what God has in store for me. life is an adventure. I want to be willing to let God take me to the ends of the earth if in His plan.

sorry for the lack of substance in recent posts. i can't guarantee it'll get much better.

a yeo family holiday favorite (p.s. an apology in advance)

2007-02-04T03:44:00.001-08:00

I have some loathing, abhorrence, revulsion, aversion to uncleanliness, most specifically the bodily fluids/solids and wastes excreted from the human body. I even gave a speech on it in high school. Nuff' said. But jokes in the Yeo/Mabaquiao (meaning my mom's side. thank you dad) family involving poop and pee never get old. And after literally cringing at the amazing capabilities of girls to be absolutely disgusting in our hall bathroom (aka it happened again. an enormous floater with an authoritative stench - giant poop not flushed), I thought immediately of close to my favorite David Sedaris essay (Aleigh has pretty much read every book I own by him in the last week), one I read aloud to my family at Christmas time, and most everyone, ranging from ages 7 to 45 were practically bawling their eyes out from laughter and lack of breathing (this essay is rooted deeply in ridiculous, disgusting, childish yeo/mab fam humor) So, I thought this moment special, special enough to share it:

Big Boy
by David Sedaris
(excerpt from Me Talk Pretty One Day)

It was Easter Sunday in Chicago, and my sister Amy and I were attending an afternoon dinner at the home of our friend John. The weather was nice, and he'd set up a table in the backyard so that we might sit in the sun. Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito.

I flushed the toilet, and the big turd trembled. It shifted position, but that was it. This thing wasn't going anywhere. I thought briefly of leaving it behind for someone else to take care of, but it was too late for that. Too late, because before getting up from the table, I'd stupidly told everyone where I was going. "I'll be back in a minute," I'd said. "I'm just going to run to the bathroom." My whereabouts were public knowledge. I should have said I was going to make a phone call. I'd planned to urinate and maybe run a little water over my face, but now I had this to deal with.

The tank refilled, and I made a silent promise. The deal was that if this thing would go away, I'd repay the world by performing some unexpected act of kindness. I flushed the toilet a second time, and the big turd spun a lazy circle. "Go on," I whispered. "Scoot! Shoo!" I turned away, ready to perform my good deed, but when I looked back down, there it was, bobbing to the surface in a fresh pool of water.

Just then someone knocked on the door, and I stated to panic.

"Just a minute."

At an early age my mother sat me down and explained that everyone has bowel movements. "Everyone," she'd said. "Even the president and his wife." She'd mentioned our neighbors, the priest, and several of the actors we saw each week on television. I'd gotten the overall picture, but natural or not, there was no way I was going to take responsibility for this one.

"Just a minute."

I seriously considered lifting this turd out of the toilet and tossing it out the window. It honestly crossed my mind, but john lived on the ground floor and a dozen people were seated at a picnic table ten feet away. They'd see the window open and notice something dropping to the ground. And these were people who would surely gather round and investigate. Then there I'd be with my unspeakably filthy hands, trying to explain that it wasn't mine. But why bother throwing it out the window if it wasn't mine? No one would have believed me except the person who had left it in the first place, and chances were pretty slim that the freak in question would suddenly step forward and own up to it. I was trapped.

"I'll be out in a second!"

I scrambled for a plunger and used the handle to break the turd into manageable pieces, all the while thinking that it wasn't fair, that this was technically not my job. Another flush and it still didn't go down. Come on, pal. Let's move it. While waiting for the tank to refill, I thought maybe I should wash my hair. It wasn't dirty, but I needed some excuse to cover the amount of time I was spending in the bathroom. Quick, I thought. Do something. By now the other guests were probably thinking I was the type of person who uses dinner parties as an opportunity to defecate and catch up on my reading.

"Here I come. I'm just washing up."

One more flush and it was all over. The thing was gone and out of my life. I opened the door, to find my friend Janet, who said, "Well, it's about time." And I was left thinking that the person who'd abandoned the huge turd had no problem with it, so why did I? Why the big deal? Had it been left there to teach me a lesson? Had a lesson been learned? Did it have anything to do with Easter? I resolved to put it all behind me, and then I stepped outside to begin examining the suspects.

i ask for silence

2007-02-03T02:00:00.000-08:00

This is a poem (referring to title) I read over and over by Pablo Neruda and wonder when I'll empathize. I rarely do. This, here and now, being an exception. I have my thoughts to keep my company, thoughts I rarely get to hear, and am grateful for once, for a lonely weekend. It's 2:00 am, and I'm eating toast and tea, jewish rye I wish I had never bought and hibiscus and rose hips tea, thinking it'd be nice with a little honey. Sorting and searching through my itunes music collection - I love the hype machine music blog, I've been listening to Beirut and Belle and Sebastian, I like M.Ward from time to time, but if the song is king like Jon Foreman says, "Post-War" gets crown. Also, Beirut's song "Mount Wroclai (idle days)" has an intro that's exactly like the end credits of Amelie. It makes me happy. I realized today, sitting in the maclab, stoked at the simplicity of the mac plain white, less is more, Jonathon Ive is the most successful industrial designer as of now, and taste is taste, with no strings of snobbery attached, style is not consumerism, not materialism, does not have to be gluttonous, and should not be denied. I love language and music and fashion and aesthetics and expression. I love the city and the diversity, movies, films, memoirs, clothes, colors, fabric, and culture. Epstein says it's always the same new thing, some sickening new trend as transient as the last, but I love progression and innovation more than anything. It also brings me much joy to catch the allusions in writing based on pop culture of the past.

Today I went to the bookstore downtown by myself, looked for e.e. cummings, but they didn't have it, flipped through philosophy by marcus aurelius and chuck pahlaniuk novels, picked up some groceries, and sat by Aric at vespers, whom I seldom see so it was nice.

I went to coffee with Brian, Eddie, Thomas, and Josh, watched a movie with Jess P, and now plan to read Klosterman til' I fall asleep. I'm also sort of smitten. But we'll get to that a long time later. Bono interview at the Awakening tomorrow. Maybe I'll read "Geek Love" instead, my mom bought it for me for Christmas and I haven't even cracked the bright orange cover. She says she wants to read it when I'm done, but at this rate, I might not even have read it by spring break when I go home again. Got things to do. G'night.

when you arise in the morning

2007-01-28T12:25:00.000-08:00

think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love. [marcus aurelius]

I woke up this morning, realizing the gifts continually being bestowed upon my life. These gifts I receive undeserving, that pass by unnoticed, taken for granted by a greedy, gluttonous fool. I am the fool. I have a vague memory of Alane's storytelling, she came upon a spiritual discussion with a hippie in Pasadena. He told her that God is all around. He is real and evident, and if she didn't see Him, to look in the sounds of laughter, the compassion of others, in the faces of her children. "Look at all the things you love and try to imagine where those things came from, could hope and love come from any other place?" he asked her. Some days I'll feel so distressed, blundering in the pits of my lowly existence, stomach twisted up in knots, like my heart's been ripped out and stepped on. Oh, you should be erupting with sympathy for all of my problems, that one negative/critical comment said in my direction in the last 24 hours, that test I didn't score as well as I should have on. Or, I could stop thinking about myself, because I'm sure a child starving to death, dying from disease or AIDs in Africa, a paralytic, an outcast would side that I have it pretty bad. Actually, I have some odd filmstrip playing over in my mind, making me feel stupid and silly and racked with guilt, of this starving child bawled up in the corner, suddenly looking up at me, "Uh, suck it up."

The point I was trying to make, inelegantly put thus far (so i'll have somebody else say it), is the true things that bring about joy are service. As Morrie says: "Remember what I said about finding a meaningful life? I wrote it down, but now I can recite it: Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." So that isn't groundbreaking, an incredible new concept, or anything we haven't heard before, but I've had my priorities so skewed as of late, hearing this is very refreshing. As Morrie was dying he said, "Giving to people is what makes me feel alive. Not my car or my house. Not when I look in the mirror. When I give my time, when I can make someone smile after they are feeling sad, it's as close to healthy as I'll ever feel."

The truth is, I believe of myself to generally maintain good spirits. I don't ever feel truly depressed, because I am so distracted into laughing, but everything is based on how I am feeling, I do live day in and day out keeping my own values and my own desires above that of God's plans, God's values, God's desires. And how can I be of use to God if I am not willing to be? I can't. Once again. The selfish fool is I.

I worked last night at a Children's Ministry Party (sponsored by the Bridge. hooray!) at Roger's Elementary, and nothing pulls on your heartstrings like the innocent, longing eyes of a child. I worked at the photobooth, where Nissa borrowed costumes from the WWC drama department, even had a backdrop, lighting, 2 racks of costumes, and a full table of masks and hats. How fun it is to play dress up! To be whatever you want to be long enough for a snapshot - in my case it was a cow (without utters. so according to aaron, a dairy bull) and minnie mouse the pirate. These are the things I aspire to be. Actually, I want to be like a child: simple, genuine, true of heart.

the unmundane

2007-01-25T13:50:00.000-08:00

Open your eyes, and you'll see a world full of beguiling irrelevancies. So charming. So interesting. So unrelated to your prior obligations. As I am sitting in the reference room, I see all sorts of distractions, suddenly at their peak of interest and charm -- Chinese philosophy, American proverbs, the history of crime, Spanish poetry, lets not get started on people and voices and laughter, the dirt Logan brought into the room on his shoes, the rhythms I can make with my heels on the floor and my pen banging on the table. Stream of consciousness, what is on my mind? pulmonary arteries, visceral peritoneum, A&P lab homework and quiz next period, NO WAIT - dinner last night, that one conversation, that friendship that means a lot, that design I want to work on, the suspense in that life is always moving forward, and it's mindblowing the capacity we have to learn, to mature, to breathe, to enjoy, to think, to love, to live. Focus. Stop. You have lab in 10 minutes. Study!

poverty is not a disgrace -- just an inconvenience.

2007-01-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

I want to apply to be an SM (student missionary) next year. I know in the past i've been stifled by indecision, feeling like the timing wasn't right -- missing opportunities for the sake of complacency or apathy. But let this be a written act of my heart, that right now I want to give selflessly and want nothing in return - that God does not judge on performance, but willingness. I know it's a daily/reocurring decision, waking up everyday and deciding where to put your trust and focus - but I would like to put myself in situations where I could best learn to live this out. The same heart of mine that bawled coming home from 3 weeks in the Philippines from seeing the gluttony of Americans and the luxuries we take for granted (and it didn't take me long to fall back into my old selfish ways), would love to be heart-broken for a whole year and exert such pain and compassion into helping others less fortunate. Be the change you wish you see in the world (Ghandi). And as St. Augustine once prayed, I would like to as well: God, give me the serenity for the things I cannot change, courage for the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Few of us can do great things, but all of us can do small things with great love (Mother Teresa). I don't know what my future holds, but all I'm saying is I want to serve and be willing to be molded by my Creator.

may your life be like a wildflower

2007-01-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

growing freely in the beauty and joy of each day
[native american proverb]

this quote's for you nik ♥
p.s. for those of you without a blogger, you can post using "other" or "anonymous" and would love it if you would

fridge mysteries

2007-01-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

Uh. Why exactly does our refridgerator smell so potently nauseating? Ehh. Ew. Why?

I've emptied all of the food out, washed it all out with soap and water (even have baking soda that is supposed to absorb the smells) - yet STILL, I open it later to the same putrid smell.

For those of you who know my mother (who is strong and beautiful, illogicial at times, MAD i tell you!), when I was 10 years old, we were driving along when we came upon a fox just newly demolished by a passing car. She immediately stopped the car and collected the remains of the fox's depleted carcass, wrapped it in a towel, and tossed it in the trunk. She is a teacher at a tiny private school, where one teacher is handed the responsibilities of few students in many classes ranging from all ages - (her primary focus was grades 7-10 science and math), and cancelled the normal curriculum for the day. She also, drug along, my 4th grade substitute (my grade at the time) for her mischevious experiments. I still remember her face, beaming with genuine excitement,"I've never seen roadkill so fresh!" And then, the dissection began - all day long, reeking the classroom of rotting carcass.

The relevance of this story is coming soon, really. Later that day, the dissection process was asked to be stopped, politely, by the principal, because, my the substitute teacher had cut his finger (rather deeply) through his latex gloves, and apparently, this fox was not tested for diseases, like rabies for instance? which foxes (at the time) had a 60% chance of having.

A week later, a good friend of mine, Nikki (who was in my mother's biology class) was loading up the car with food for People's Kitchen (preparing meals at a homeless shelter), and noticed a rather large lock on the top freezer. Why was this locked? When asking my mother (the sponsor) she immediately turned red. Yes. The fox was being preserved for rabies tests in the school's kitchen freezer, the one where they prepared hot lunch from every weekday. The fox turned out to not have rabies (what a relief!). And while this actual story doesn't pertain to a smelly fridge (because it was locked, on its own, in a freezer and wasn't mixed with the food we ate), it does remind me of the OTHER time my mom kept an octupus in the mini fridge in her classroom (and she did keep other food in there this time) and made all of the other food smell like dead sea animal. So when I whipped out my popsicle, all packaging reeked of so, and even the food, a little (at least that's the way I remembered it).

But the moral of the story, and a little 3rd grade health - your sense of smell and taste are connected - a smelly fridge is contaminating my wonderful food (and you don't even know the deep love I have for this food). And while I may be slightly exaggerating (because I do that a lot) at the current foul odor of my fridge (because it hasn't yet quite reached the rank of the dead animal) - it still is making me slightly annoyed. And you all should feel horrible and sympathetic at the unbearable trials that life has violently thrown in my direction. Bah!

let your love be strong

2006-12-29T19:21:00.001-08:00

"If we spend our time obsessing with the future or regretting the past, then we will never live. Tomorrow will always be tomorrow and yesterday cannot be changed." - Jon Foreman (from Switchfoot)

Just this Christmas break, I found this quote written on a journal I handmade from bits and pieces of other used books about 4 years ago (another obsession among many. picked up this habit from alane. have kept one since I was 9 years old). I had ripped out the pages from a book called "Iced" about a debauched drug addict (mainly because cardstock folded in half fit just perfectly) and had sewn in my own pages in the spine with clear fishing line. After decorating the cover to my liking from supplies from the craft store, I wrote this quote, written boldly and pasted to the cover, as a sort of reminder, serving as a guidance of perspective, on how I was to view life every time I started to write in this book.

I noted my own life as an emotional roller coaster, a slave to my heart muscle, and found it as providence to be reminded of this quote at this given moment. I'm always ruled by my worries, my heart heavy with the pain of broken relationships, homework that will always be there, friends, the boss, family depending on me. And what do you do when you feel your arms so far outstretched they are breaking, when you are being pulled mercilessly in every direction? You know, during dead week (week before finals) I would wake up every morning at 2 am with horrible toothaches, and was highly medicated for the majority of it. I scheduled a dentist appointment for when I arrived home, and found out than an abscess had formed (or something weird like that) in my gum and I had to have a root canal! yuck! My dentist (who is a good friend of the family) said the cavity was very small and didn't know why it had reacted in such a dramatic way, and when further questioning revealed circumstances, he decided that academic stress had lowered my body's resistance (?) and resulted in 3 shots of anesthetic that made even the left lid of my eye feel numb! Anyways, the point of all this is, I clearly fret too much (and have medical bills to prove it). But how to deal with all this pressure? Apathy? Complacency? Surely the opposite end of the spectrum is not the answer (balance! balance! but how?) But I'm slowly learning to embrace my humanity, and stop trying to be a hero. I am not sufficient. But I am NOT called to be. But how does one choose their battles? How does one find balance? (and I think this quote was more about living one day at a time, but my mind goes off into every direction) I would like to end my angst and perplexities with another quote from Jon:

"I got alone with God and I was reminded of how we're NOT called to be sufficient. We're called to be completely dependent upon our Creator. The relationship that He establishes with us, I think we often tend to think of ourselves as growing and maturing in Christ -- meaning that we lean less and less on our maker. But in fact, it's the other way around."

mistakes we knew we were making

2006-12-27T12:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went camping at San Onofre with the fam (San Clemente area). We had 2 small tents, but it had been decided that a few of us were going to have to put our beds elsewhere (aka outside). We stopped to see cousins (pre-camping trip) and they begged to come along with us, bumping the few unfortunate (aka me and mia) out of the reserved tent spots. My cousin Mia and I drug our single cot outside to sleep under the stars, waiting for the crackling of the fire to die-down and the darkest hours of night to come, so we could fully appreciate the stars in their clarity. I'm a sucker for wishing on stuff. The two of us together smashed into what we hoped would be the warmest sleeping bag, and awoke only a few hours later to feel my face being pelted with freezing rain, only coming down more adamant as each second passed, and were forced to relocate to our mini-van. (I also made Happy Book #2, and left it on the picnic table outside, which ruined a lot of the pages! no!)

If my mom does the shopping, we always have plenty of food options. Pumpkin, gingerbread, cinnamon, or plain graham crackers on your s'more? We had our propane lamps and sudoku books on the picnic table, and my dad took out the bucket seats in our van to sit by the fire. We befriended our neighbor camper named Donny who came over to share in our s'more making - He was from Connecticut, and quotedly had "no attachments to home, no full-time job (just construction here and there) and decided to see what else is out there in the states, been travelling the country in his navy blue truck, camping, living with friends (who he is fortunate to have randomly dispersed throughout the 50 states), and occasionally sleeping in the parking lot of Walmart to save money. He's been at this for the last 3 months, but hopes to soon end up in Arizona where he hopes to attend a school of the Culinary Arts and one day would like to become a Chef. (Jack Kerouac style, but less poetic, pretentious, and more sincere). I would hate to have no permanence, home, or attachments...really. A life like that seems thrilling at times, but more often than not...lonely. He had a warm laugh. I liked him.

San Onofre has been a favorite of surf spots in past time, but I've just felt pretty exhausted all break - and ended up mostly sitting on shore reading books. Figures. I started Dave Eggar's "Heartbreaking work of Staggering Genius", and I'm about half-way through and it has sincerity and energy. But as I grow older, lives so inchoately lived seem unfulfulling. I just read this quote though, and I like it, he wishes for, "Every day a world-clearing sort of revolution, a bloodless one, one more interested in regeneration than any sort of destruction."

res·o·lu·tion [rez-uh-loo-shuhn]

2006-12-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

new years resolutions
(i always say i want to be a part of change. maybe it needs to start from the inside out)

1. to worry less but be more responsible
I've been infamous in the past for procrastination, but i've also been known to stress myself out to the point where i'm so worried about a test, i can't even sleep. Even though the good ol' cram and forget has worked soundly thus far, my life is desperate need of balance (and not just in academics, but we'll get to that later). True learning and growth is a gradual process - get it together and keep it at a system. This way, if impossible to change my neurotic personality, I can learn that depending on myself is the one thing I can do. Also, letting loose isn't a bad thing, so it's too late to raise the grade that's lower than you should have had, but as expressed in the book Time Machine, "You can't change the past, but you can change the future." Accept it. It happened. You'll probably just annoy all of your friends by complaining about an adequate grade, and chances are, you probably already have.
2. to have faith that my decisions are valid
or maybe actually come to make one once in awhile. i always have my ephemeral epiphanies that change according to every new circumstance - instead of basing everything on some brittle musing, I might just want to figuratively grab my own shoulders, shake myself, and say - "get your head on straight and look at the big picture, build your foundation on something bigger than yourself, put your focus and trust in that, and then maybe the little things will just fall into place". I used to feel flustered when people would use the statement "just give it all to God", pinning it as some dull cliche that even those who speak it have no grasp of what it actually means, but what lately, its meaning to me, is that "it all" is referring to all this unnecessary weight and focus I carry on myself, "depression is when our eyes are on ourself" (watashi wa), put the weight elsewhere, or don't keep your eyes glued to your burdens, service brings absolute joy, and maybe if we constantly pined for answers we would only feel more lost in this volatile world - not that I think it's bad at all to question -but I think things become clear by going out and experiencing them, and eventually finding yourself living out the answers you were searching for- "forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead." (phil.3:13) did that make any sense?
3. disabling fear of human opinion
i am who i am for a reason. as cliche as this sounds, i used to constantly grapple with pleasing everyone, and being everything and everyone, but myself. i have this chronic need to be a "people-pleaser" and its hopelessly draining. i noticed, that, i am not exactly shy, and that there are people who i click with and enjoy, merely because we share the same values. This is a deep comfort. And while some take, others often fill me back up. what i'm struggling most with these days, is learning when to let go of some relationships, because change is part of the common cycle of life, and sometimes fixing things means moving forward. Also, its a constant struggle how unbalanced I am when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex (well, ones in terms of significance) - if its fear of getting hurt, intimidation, whatever inhibitions yielding me, I just need to trust in God that He has right plans for me in His mind.
4. consumerism is evil
the part of me that loves the aesthetics of outward things also can dip into mild materialism. fashion is expression of self. it affects the way we feel about ourselves (which can be a positive thing). but we're the same people no matter what clothes we have on - trends are transient, I'm sure there are much better things to spend your time and money on. i need to keep that in mind.

the christmas adventures of treena yeo

2006-12-17T19:19:00.001-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, treena yeo is quite the meditative introvert. As I repeatedly voice my need to break away from routine, I thought I'd spend a day to re-coop, and search drastically for christmas presents that I have not yet purchased for the beloved fam. So I went to downtown SLO and indulged myself in home-ly activities that preventative college have deprived me from - sitting on the beach, going to a couple botiques, coffee, being in the bookstore, etc. The more I am away from home, the more I notice how amazing it is. Can you believe I drive by the ocean everyday on the freeway?! I was flipping through old photo albums and my hair used to be bleach blonde from the sun, and my skin the same color it is now, because when I lived in Laguna Niguel, my mom used to pull me in a wagon in Dana Point everyday to the beach and back home when I was barely learning to walk! I'm in love with the ocean, because that's where I grew up! Today was a good day!

According to similarminds.com, 83% of me struggles with the peter pan complex, and this doesn't bother me in the least. Ha. Ha. My family went out for Chinese tonight, and this was my fortune in the cookie, and I thought back on the cheese humor that delights me so much, and noticed I'm stuck somewhere in the humor of grades 3-5, where pee and poop jokes never get old -- which as I was walking through bubble gum alley in SLO, this amused me so much. grades 3-5? what? even lower than that?

On a more serious note: I went to Esteem surfshop with my brother the other day, and purchased a one truth t-shirt for my cousin with a graphic of what looked like historic americans revolting while a huge fist grew out of the ground, with the caption reading: when love gives birth to resistance. One Truth Clothing company started in my hometown by a couple of kids who went to Mercy Church, a youth church I attended several years back, and I always really enjoy their mission statements. I'd like to share the text written on the tag:

Some days love takes the shape of forgiveness
some days love sounds like a dove
but some days love can no longer tolerate
the wickedness and gives birth to resistance

A resistance not just against men or organizations
but againt the darkness that surrounds us all
against the sin inside us and the evil we drink in
it begins in our hearts and isn't done till
light floods the streets

my hope is weak and this night has been so long
and the sounds of injustice are all around
i feel so powerless standing against it
who am i to try and resist this wicked machine?

but as i look around i see my family by my side
and with one voice we lift our hands to the sky
in defiance to this broken system
in hope for the New World
where injustice does not prevail and evil is not a career

and i know my hope is not in vain
no matter how small my strength or quiet my shout
every bit of hope, of faith, of love is not wasted
because even the smallest victory lights up the night

maybe not today or the day after tomorrow
but Redemption Himself will come
and on that day everything changes
and this broken world is made New

Don't forget to visit: FEELGOODREVOLUTION.COM

defeat and new beginnings

2006-12-15T21:29:00.000-08:00

After a recent view of my own blogger profile, I noticed, that I've been a member since August 05 (and i just updated to beta), yet after deleting all of my posts this summer along with neglecting the 5 so blogs I used to so devoutly maintain, it's resulted (along with my current boring existence) in, having no more "blogger" friends. So, I decided its time for my own blogger renaissance/resurgance/revitilization of sorts. ha. how fun it is to try and hype up the humdrum of my dull life!

Today, has been my first full day of christmas vacation. And it's been so incredibly nice to break away from the redundancy of college routine, studying, and the likes of killing yourself to live. First quarter of college is in the bag. yeehaw! I am ecstatic and so relieved. But I do miss YOU very much.

Today, I went surfing at Spyglass Park with my brother and Jacob and almost saw the end of my life. (it's pretty at sunset when there is no swells, yes? i took this picture maybe last year) And so I'm known to exaggerate a little bit (um. keity. don't even say it), but this experience caused me to genuinely feel as if this wasn't at all far from the truth. I could blame my fatigue on a couple of things, like post-exhaustion from finals, lack of sleep, the fact that I've sat on my lazy arse with a donut all through my school quarter, but the point that comes down to it, was that I was inhabited with absolute exhaustion as arm after arm penetrated the surface of the water, and I felt as if, I would try my hardest to just stay in the exact same place, if not in reverse. In other words, I couldn't paddle out for the life of me.

And after history repeated itself for what felt like hours, but was probably a good golden 20 minutes, I paddled back to shore, scared at the feeling of what I would do if I even tried to catch a wave out there, if I did eventually paddle out to the swells, because I have this fear of being slammed into the rocks (like a much milder blue crush on rocks instead of coral) and that I would eat it the second I got up anyways. Back on shore I had the feeling that defeat had become upon me in every sense of the way. So spyglass isn't your easy pier surf spot, but it's hard to accept when you're way out of your league, and nature seemed to make clear of this, which was in small ways, awe-inspiring, that I am so tiny in comparision to the vast and powerful ocean, that stepping into that element makes me only feel completely owned by every aspect of it. Tis' beautiful. It did make me feel better, when I got out of the water, and both Ryan and Jacob complained that they felt beat and hadn't caught a single wave either. But next time I might just stick to Pismo pier.

a couple of things i really like (so maybe you should keep them in mind)

2006-12-11T12:52:00.000-08:00

+ watching the sunrise at whitman mission
+ coffee coffee coffee
+ reading pablo neruda poetry out loud with keity. bilingual edition. keity in spanish. me in english.
+ baking a chocolate cake with mia and dipping my finger in the icing
+ drawing hearts on a fogged up window
+ when its cold outside and i can see my breath
+ laughing with strangers on the street
+ the hippies in my town at papa joe's
+ a $.50 game of pool at typhoon's arcade, with the cowboy owner who used to sit indolent in the corner, and just got arrested for pedophilia. yikes!
+ kayaking with kristin
+ getting gelato with my dear ol' gramps
+ grandma's thanksgiving/christmas cooking
+ praying at sunset on pismo pier
+ falling alseep under the stars
+ sleeping on the balcony in mexico
+ unconventional advertising
+ our plans to corrupt the city with graffitti art - yes dayton and brian! ♥!
+ keeping in touch with old friends (something i am horrible at)
+ list-making brings happy thoughts

i don't mean this. but i laugh.

2006-10-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

let me share with you my current feelings....

2006-09-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

I feel hot and cold and a little bit disconsolate, like i've just swallowed a teaspoon of crushed red pepper, and i'm choking on the fumes and the flakes trying to make their way down my tiny constricting throat. Why do I feel so much this way? Maybe because I'm over-emotional, and I'm ruining it all based on ephemeral feelings and first impressions, and I'm trying to be everything and everyone, but myself, and it's emotionally draining to the point, where I feel like I'm barely existing. Over-reacting and over-exaggerating. Yes. Both. Don't tell me to calm down.