res·o·lu·tion [rez-uh-loo-shuhn]

new years resolutions
(i always say i want to be a part of change. maybe it needs to start from the inside out)

1. to worry less but be more responsible
I've been infamous in the past for procrastination, but i've also been known to stress myself out to the point where i'm so worried about a test, i can't even sleep. Even though the good ol' cram and forget has worked soundly thus far, my life is desperate need of balance (and not just in academics, but we'll get to that later). True learning and growth is a gradual process - get it together and keep it at a system. This way, if impossible to change my neurotic personality, I can learn that depending on myself is the one thing I can do. Also, letting loose isn't a bad thing, so it's too late to raise the grade that's lower than you should have had, but as expressed in the book Time Machine, "You can't change the past, but you can change the future." Accept it. It happened. You'll probably just annoy all of your friends by complaining about an adequate grade, and chances are, you probably already have.
2. to have faith that my decisions are valid
or maybe actually come to make one once in awhile. i always have my ephemeral epiphanies that change according to every new circumstance - instead of basing everything on some brittle musing, I might just want to figuratively grab my own shoulders, shake myself, and say - "get your head on straight and look at the big picture, build your foundation on something bigger than yourself, put your focus and trust in that, and then maybe the little things will just fall into place". I used to feel flustered when people would use the statement "just give it all to God", pinning it as some dull cliche that even those who speak it have no grasp of what it actually means, but what lately, its meaning to me, is that "it all" is referring to all this unnecessary weight and focus I carry on myself, "depression is when our eyes are on ourself" (watashi wa), put the weight elsewhere, or don't keep your eyes glued to your burdens, service brings absolute joy, and maybe if we constantly pined for answers we would only feel more lost in this volatile world - not that I think it's bad at all to question -but I think things become clear by going out and experiencing them, and eventually finding yourself living out the answers you were searching for- "forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead." (phil.3:13) did that make any sense?
3. disabling fear of human opinion
i am who i am for a reason. as cliche as this sounds, i used to constantly grapple with pleasing everyone, and being everything and everyone, but myself. i have this chronic need to be a "people-pleaser" and its hopelessly draining. i noticed, that, i am not exactly shy, and that there are people who i click with and enjoy, merely because we share the same values. This is a deep comfort. And while some take, others often fill me back up. what i'm struggling most with these days, is learning when to let go of some relationships, because change is part of the common cycle of life, and sometimes fixing things means moving forward. Also, its a constant struggle how unbalanced I am when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex (well, ones in terms of significance) - if its fear of getting hurt, intimidation, whatever inhibitions yielding me, I just need to trust in God that He has right plans for me in His mind.
4. consumerism is evil
the part of me that loves the aesthetics of outward things also can dip into mild materialism. fashion is expression of self. it affects the way we feel about ourselves (which can be a positive thing). but we're the same people no matter what clothes we have on - trends are transient, I'm sure there are much better things to spend your time and money on. i need to keep that in mind.